Getting outside of ourselves and our own “stuff” can be a challenge. Our long held ingrained beliefs and our fight to be right and be heard can dominate our relationships.
Many of us feel the following way: Our needs aren’t being met, and we haven’t been heard!
Our lofty expectations when it comes to our needs being met can set us up for years of unhappiness and feeling like he/ she just doesn’t get me.
If he or she cared wouldn’t they know what I need to make me feel complete? (Please don’t feel bad if this rings true for you. Most of my marriage fell into this line of thinking.)
Unfortunately, in my case, this line of thinking eventually lead to an emotional affair on my husband’s part. Of course ‘he had a right’ because I clearly wasn’t listening to him or seeing him the way he wanted to be seen.
This deception lead to more angst in my relationship, but it ultimately opened the door to more healing and levels of true listening and connecting on our part.
Although we were making headway, I was still feeling the ache of betrayal as well as his inability to see me the way that I wanted to be seen. In my career I tended to feel undervalued and under payed. My husband loved to rub in the fact that he, having no college education, earned more than his wife with a master’s degree.
I was also pursuing a certification in yoga therapy, an idea he wholeheartedly did not support. My marriage was in trouble because he wasn’t seeing or hearing me. Turns out -we both were not seeing or hearing each other!
Let’s face it: We all want to be valued especially by our significant other.
We would also very much like to be unconditionally loved. So why do we find it so hard to get out of our own way and see each other in this open hearted, forgiving, all consuming, cloak of love light and protection sort of way?
Maybe because we just need to move away from ourselves, our needs, our expectations into a more expansive place of love as a way of being rather than just something you get or give.
My true relationship awaking came on a fall day riding home from New Hampshire from a day of yoga therapy teacher training. I was just chilling listening to some country music, when a very clear voice came into my head. And let me just tell you, I have never ‘heard voices’ before, nor has God ever spoken to me in a truly meaningful way.
The voice said: I gave you him to love.
Over and over again this came through. “I gave you him to love”. This was a profound, life changing moment.
Wow! Just get out of your own way and love him, because when you love him, you love yourself, you love your family, you love all beings. So I shared this with my beloved with tears in my eyes. Of course there was ego involved. ‘”Wow, God spoke to you about me!” and “what did God say about me today Amy!”
This was a huge game changer for both of us as it took all the ego out of our relationship, humbled us and brought a sacredness into our marriage that was missing. We began to live more from this unconditional place of love.
Love as a choice, a place within that can be shared, cultivated, prioritized and forgiven when we forget how sacred it really is.
I began to respect him more for who he is, offer more gratitude for all he does for me and let go of judging the character traits that he possesses that don’t jive with me own personality. I let go of the expectation that he could read my mind or make me happy.
What’s fascinating is when I started treating him with more respect and unconditional love (as I was divinely instructed to do) he too found his way to an open unconditional love for me, accepting me completely and actually seeing and hearing me. He still hasn’t attended one of my yoga classes, but hey who’s counting!! We are moving forward together.
I only share this intimate story to open more eyes to the possibility of unconditional love and its worth. If we could just get out of our own way, open our hearts, listen to what is being asked of us and love big, then we can forgive, we can receive more than we could ever imagine.
With open hearts we can meet ourselves, our beloved, our coworker, dare I say our enemy with new eyes of compassion and kindness. Only we have the power to create love in our hearts that will heal our relationships and touch the world.
How has unconditional love strengthened your relationships?